Interesting Day
by Entmoot
Summary: Crazy, demented, and kind of wrong. It was intended to be funny, but it's just kind of WTF. Basically everyone goes crazy on Valentine's. Have fun if you dare to enter.
1. What on Earth is Wrong with Gimli!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize from _The Lord of the Rings._ I also do not own the holiday in this. I also don't own the "Hem, hem," thing from Harry Potter, if anybody does. I don't own any of it! I simply don't! So please don't sue me!

Rating: strong PG-13 (_mostly_ dirty talk)

Summary: This is a complete and TOTAL AU. Chaos ensues (surprise) when a certain holiday comes around...Please enjoy! Humor! If you liked "The Very Secret Diary's", you will LOVE this! It's not a diary, though.

Warnings: Complete silliness, OOCness, HEAVILY implied slash, vulgar stuff (heh. Don't like all this stuff, don't read)

A/N: Hey everyone! My life has been kind of sucky lately (wear your seat belt, seriously! They really do save lives! cries), and I just needed a break from it all. So now I bring to you a humor story I've had an idea for since...a long time ago. I hope it's good, please review, please enjoy!

(continued) It might have been done before, but I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun. I'm pretty sure; I didn't come up with this plot, so excuse me if you did.

(see above) Man, how I wish that we could still write in script form on

(ditto) I know this is long, but it's really funny, honest injun!!!

Of Chaos on a Chaotic Day

Chapter one: What on Earth is Wrong with Gimli?!!

Time: Beginning of Morning

"Ring...Ring...Bilbo, I lost it. Ring...Ring...Ring...Merry he lost HIS ring...," came some sleepy muses from a hobbit known as Frodo Baggins. Unfortunately, for the brunette, someone had plans for this _poor _(pointed ahem), sleep deprived fellow. He may've not done it if he had understood the mutterings, but why dwell on what may have not happened, when we know what did?

"FRODO!!!!!!!!!!! Wakey, wakey, time for eggs and backey!" hollered a hyper Pippin. He looked down, expecting to hear his older cousin ordering him to get off, or to see his annoyed sleep-dull face, or even to hear laughter from Frodo because of Pippin's enthusiasm. It was not so. Pippin, determined to wake the older hobbit, shook him.

Frodo didn't move.

"WAKEY, WAKEY..." Pippin started, in an off tune, high, loud voice. He would've continued, if Sam hadn't come over and tackled him.

"Gerroff me, Samwise Gamgee!" he squealed. Sam began tickling the Took, who squirmed, laughed, and complained loudly ("Sam, don't tickle me _there_!!!").

Before Sam could get in another good jab at Pippin's ribs, they both got pushed to the side.

"And _what_, may I ask, are you two doing?" began a now fully awake Frodo, trying to keep a straight face, but failing horribly. "Is there something you haven't told me?"

Sam blushed bright red. "I was tickling him, sir, honest I was!" For some reason, that just made Sam blush more, and Pippin began laughing like a lunatic.

"And you think you must to explain to me that you were tickling my little cousin, and try to make me think that you were _honestly doing it _because...?" he breathed. Sam grew, if possible, redder. Pippin decided to chirp up.

"Of course, he was _tickling _me Frodo! You know we would _never_ do anything else, right? He never has...Unless you count-"

"Say nothing more, cousin! You might harm my poor pointy ears!"

"Hem, hem."

"**NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**" hollered Pippin. "Not Umbridge! I'm pure hobbit, I swear! No dwarf in me! I know I'm not a wizard, but please, Umbridge, don't harm m-"

"Pippin?" came the rugged, dry voice from a man known as Aragorn. Pippin got up, turned on his heals, and saw Aragorn standing there. "What? Who's this Umbridge person?" Pippin's face slightly brightened to a pink. He looked around and saw the confused look on Sam's face, and a polite shrug from Frodo.

"Uh...Has no one here read the _Harry Potter_ series?"

"The WHO?!?" came the answer from all three.

"The Who are cool," said Pippin bobbing his head. The looks on his friends' faces were priceless.

"I guess I'm too much of a ninny-hammer to get what you just said," Sam said, mystified.

"You're not a ninny-hammer!" the two hobbits said. Frodo went on though.

"Although, if you truly are a ninny-hammer for not knowing what Pippin was just babbling about, I guess I'm joining the club." Frodo patted Sam on the shoulder, and Sam grinned.

"Ah, shucks, Mr. Frodo...I-"

"Can you _please shut up_!!!? I know you're in love, but still..." came an annoyed huff from somewhere off to the side. Pippin jumped towards the sound, and straddled the one who caused it.

"HIYA, MERRY!!! HIYA MERRY!!! HIYA-"

SLAP.

"OW!"

"Pippin?"

"You hit me!"

"You deserved it! And, Pippin..."

"Yeah?"

"Don't _ever_ do that again."

"Okedoke! I'll do it tomorrow!"

"Okay, I'll take you up on that."

"Yea!"

"Hey, Pip?"

"Yeah?"

"You can get off me now."

"No!"

Merry looked at the hobbit above him strangely. Of course, Pippin did warrant it. He had that funny expression on his face and his arms out in front of him as if he were Frankenstein.

"Do you _want_ to be on top of me? What are you-"

Merry didn't get to finish his sentence. Pippin had pounced on him (while never having gotten off of him), and was tickling him furiously.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Agh!" Merry begged.

"Say 'Mercy'."

"In-in your dreams," Merry forced out. He then let out a big gasp as Pippin started a whole new tidal wave of tickling attacks.

"What in Balin's name..." they heard out of a bush. And that exact same bush produced a Gimli holding his ax up high. "What in the world...?" He lowered it.

What Gimli saw was Pippin on top of Merry, his arms around Merry (Merry's ticklish spot was on the middle of his back, and Pippin would know this), red faces, and he had just heard a gasp. Merry blushed furiously, and tried to push Pippin off him, but didn't succeed. Pippin has a strong grip!

"It's not what it-"

"Oh, it's just you two. POINTY EARS!!! YOU OWE ME TEN GOLD PIECES!!!!!"

Legolas emerged from the same bush, and stared quietly. Pippin, as always, had something to say though.

"Gods of the world... Merry did you see that? That bush just gave birth to _two_ of the Fellowship members! Can you believe it? Where's an artist when you need one...how I'd love a picture of that bush...especially if and while it spits Gandalf out....." Pippin said. The others looked at Pippin, as if very scared for his mental state, which they, of course, should have been.

"Peregrin...?" ventured the elf. "Are you...alright?" Pippin snapped his head up. Cursed. He began rubbing his neck.

"Well, wouldn't you want a picture of a bush giving birth to Gandalf?" said Pippin, who was in pain. It appeared he had pretty much just given himself whiplash. The others just stared at him.

"Did I just hear my name?" asked Gandalf who had just appeared, but not through the bush.

"Uh..." everyone but Legolas said, as elves are _far too smart _and _special_ to say 'uh'. Gandalf had not been paying too much attention to them, just started to walk off, not caring if they didn't like his new and improved hat that was purple and had gold stars and silver moons on it. It made him special, and if they didn't like it...WAIT A SECOND THERE! He spun around, hearing the dwarf and elf fighting over who got what gold, and saw Merry and Pippin.

"What are you two doing? I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, but..."

That's all it took. The Took finally jumped off of Merry, and looked at him disgusted.

"I'm not like that! Merry's not hot! I'm hot! Wait! Merry are you...? Then what about those lasses you like, or well, _liked_ back at home?!"

"Pippin, you sick, sick creature! I like lasses!"

"And lads..." mumbled Gimli.

"No I don't!"

"Merry's a bi, Merry's a bi, Merry's a bi...!" sang Pippin.

"NO, I'M NOT, YOU FOOL OF A TOOK!!!"

"Okay. Then why did you have me on top of you?"

"You jumped him! You jumped him!" chanted Gimli. Everybody stopped what they were doing to stare at Gimli. "What? Well, you did didn't you Pippin?"

"Gimli..." began Legolas calmly. "You like those two together and dream about them every night. I understand your strange perviness, but please, not in front of people who get scared by that. To them you are like the unwanted gas that presents itself loudly during your first kiss; disgusting and slightly frightening." Instead of retorting back, Gimli grinned, and jumped forward to give Legolas a big hug.

"Ho, somebody understands me!" That was not the right thing for our dear dwarf to say.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!" raged Pointy Ears.

"I didn't call you anything!"

All elfness forgotten the guy whose eyes kept changing color so I don't know what color his bright orbs are(1), pushed Gimli off him, and slapped him.

"And I thought you were my friend!"

"But I am!"

"Go kiss a mountain!"

"Fine, Tree hugger!"

With that they both stormed off.

"What's their problem?" Pippin asked. He looked at the retreating pair for a moment, shook his head, and then looked at Merry expectantly.

"I dunno."

"It's always been like this..." drafted in a windy voice. The entire eight of the Fellowship gathered together, all of them hearing the voice that sounded like...It couldn't be though...He was...Wasn't he???

Pippin, being the big baddy, said, "Wh-wh-who-what....HUH?!! When he said that, Gandalf whacked him with his big stick, and silenced him.

"Who are you spirit?" asked Legolas coolly, as elves are too _good_ to show much emotion.

"Boromir," answered the voice. Pippin and Merry both sank and fainted on the spot. It was the spirit of the great man who had save their lives only to have his taken! And he was back!

"You're here?! Why, one of my brethren?" questioned Aragorn.

"It's Valentine's Day, and I'm bored. Plus, I just wanted to make that comment to the Little One's question." Gimli lost his cool at this.

"And _what_ exactly did you mean by _that_, Boromir?!!?" They heard a sigh come from the ghost.

"You're so nice, Gimli. Here I was thinking that people actually missed me, too."

"Well if they don't, I certainly did!" hollered another voice. The Fellowship saw another spirit come into view by Boromir. It hugged the Gondorian.

"I miss-"began Pippin, but when he saw who it was, he fainted again. It was none other than Denethor the ex-lord of Gondor. A Denethor ex-lord of Gondor who had his arms around his son, and was touching him in a way most father's don't touch their sons. Whoever knew that father's were suppose to rub the area right bellow his son's belt and then try to take the belt off? I just guess Denethor has it altogether... Anyway...

"Agh, not here Father! How many times do I have to say, that I'm not like that! No incest! No homosexuality! Now, go back to Mother, maybe she'll screw you and you'll leave me alone! Once the Little Ones wake up, I must speak to them!"

"Aw, but it's Valentine's Day, and I'm tired of your Mother. You're much sexier..."

"It's just because I slightly resemble the young you."

"So?"

"I never thought I'd say this, but, **EW!!!** Gerroff! Why don't you go haunt Faramir or something if you're looking for a homo and incest-committer who looks like you?!!"

"Agh. Fine, I guess." Away went Denethor, ex-lord of Gondor...again.

Eventually, the hobbits did wake up. They looked up and Denethor was gone.

"Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Tell me!" shouted Pippin. He would've gone on rambling, but all of the other Fellowship members put a hand over his mouth, except Gandalf. He hit Pippin with the stick again. Boromir looked down at the two hobbits he was closest to and smiled.

"It's okay. Father went to go visit my brother instead Little One. Do you fare well?"

"I'm just fine," said Merry unperturbed, but still staring at the spirit. Pippin was now dumbstruck, and he was so dumbstruck that he forgot how to speak, and just stared at the transparent image of his old pal.

"How are you, Pippin?"

The Took opened his mouth many times as if to speak, but nothing but incoherent sounds exited the big hole at the bottom of his face.

"He's fine," Merry answered for him.

"So, AIY! Your head Merry! Scar! Ahhhhh!"

"It's old, don't worry. Hey, how would you not know that? I thought dead people watched over their surviving loved ones."

"They do, but I was, erm," Boromir paused and began pulling at the collar of his shirt. Merry began wondering what a dead guy could do that would make him act like this. "I was, uh...watching over my brother! Yeah! That's it. He needed my guidance."

"I'm sure he could find _that_ without your guidance though, Boromir, you old slugger!" Gimli burst out and winked. All but Gandalf and Legolas looked at him funny and took a step away from him. Gandalf, bet you can't guess, whacked him with his stick. Legolas just put his palm over part of his face, as if saying /_Why am I friendly with such a dumb and horny dwarf? He embarrasses me so..._/.

"Not that kind of guidance!" retorted a very flustered Ghost!Boromir.

"Sure...," Gimli said and winked...again. With that, everybody, including Pointy Ears abandoned the dwarf who was laughing strangely.

---------

(1.) I'm pretty sure his eyes would be brown, right? I just wanted to make fun of such a dumb cliché.

Heya people! Whatcha think? I know this is totally not like me for writing, but I just _really_ needed something to get my mind off losing my brother. I was also mostly in a bad, yet giggly, mood while writing this, so this is what you get! Oh, by the way, I will not write the next chapter _or anything_ that has to do with this story unless I get five reviews, or three really nice reviews! So if you like it, REVIEW PEOPLE!!!!! Thankies!

Love you all,

Entmoot


	2. Gandalf's Big Stick

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this, but if there's something in here that you don't recognize from another story, it's miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnne.

Rating: PG-13

Warning: SHAMELESS BASHINGS OF THE CHARACTERS I DO LOVE! IT'S ALL FOR THE FUN OF IT, SO DON'T REPORT ME FOR ABUSE! And just a tad bit of slashiness in this chapter as well.

A/N: I LOVE REVIEWS! I THANK ALL OF MY REVIEWERS! THIS ENTIRE STORY IS JUST FOR YOU, SUGA HI, DEAREST (AND ONLY) BETA-READER!!! I WUBU! (Bunnies ;D)

A/N/N: Sorry for the long wait. Life is crazy, eh? And, no, I shall continue not to write dialogue for certain characters in their accents. I'm American, and I don't understand accents unless it's a Southern accent or a New Jersey accent. Thank you.

Reply to question: Who's gay etc. and who isn't? Wellllll… just read and see! :)

To Pipinheart: I know it's strange…and all…yeah…BUT IT'S FUN! (Hee!)

To Suga hi: Does that mean you don't like the rest of my stuff?! :( Wah! ;) Just joking! I know you love me, but not angst… :P

Interesting Day

Chapter Two: Gandalf's Big, Dangerous Stick

Time: Late Morning - Afternoon

Boromir stayed just a tad bit longer, but nothing on this chaotic day was solemn. Most of the time he spent there was filled with Gimli saying things like, "What? Why are you looking at me that way?" and, "Ah, come on Boromir, don't you agree?" Most of the Fellowship decided he had smoked something…something bad (very likely).

Once Boromir had left, and the Fellowship just stared at one another, it seemed that Pippin had found his voice. And courage. He walked over to Gimli.

"Hello, Gimli…"

"Hullo, there Pippin!"

"I have a question to ask…"

"Yes?"

"…Erm, did you, er…"

"What's with you and all these pauses?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" cried Pippin. "I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY YOU STOLE MY MARAJUANA – I MEAN OLD TOBY!!!"

"…I didn't steal any of your…high-making-things."

"NOW YOU'RE PAUSING!"

"Now you're yelling!"

"I want my mummy!" Thus, our cute little hobbit ran off to Merry. The before stated hobbit stared at his cousin, and Pippin looked at him with huge puppy dog eyes and a pout.

"Pip, you know I love you, but I flat out _refuse_ to be your mother."

"But, Merry…"

"No, Pippin."

"Merry…"

"Pippin, I _will not_ be your mother. She's back home in Tookborough. If you want her so bad go back home. You shouldn't be here anyway."

"…But I don't wanna go home!"

"Well it's that, or just keep going on."

"But I love me mum."

"I know. But those are your choices."

"Oh, come on Merry! You're my closest kin and you look after me…!"

"I know, Pippin, but I _will not be your mother_!"

"But I love my mother," Pippin insisted.

Merry just shook his head and stomped off. He looked at Sam as he passed, and said, "Samwise, will you _please_ do a favor for me and be Pippin's mother?"

"I don-"

"Oh, I knew you would! Thank you, Sam! I'll save you extra bacon…"

Sam tried again to say that he didn't want to be a mother to Pippin, but it wouldn't work, and Merry had asked so nicely (and there was more of the bacon he cooked involved). So Sam trudged over to Pippin.

"Hi, Mr. Pippin."

"Hullo there, Sam! I love my mummy!" he smiled maniacally. Sam was scared, but Merry had asked so nicely…and Sam sure does _love_ bacon…..

"Well, er, how would you like to have a mother here?"

"I would love it, Sam! But how are you going to get my mummy here?"

"Well, I – I could be your mother," Sam said in a small voice, as he became very interested in his feet. Pippin's jaw dropped and he stared at him.

"Really?"

"I guess," Sam almost whispered.

"…Don't you dare…" Pippin said. Sam looked up happily, but saw Merry looking at him. /_Alas_/ thought Sam. /_I'm going to have to be Pippin's mum anyway for Merry._/

It was quite a sight, you know, to watch Sam now chasing after Pippin, trying to give him a hug, while saying things Sam could imagine his own mother saying to him when he felt bad. After watching for a few seconds, the rest of the Fellowship could do naught, but laugh. Aragorn smiled at the hobbit.

"Sam, what are you doing?" he said with mirth in his voice. Sam flushed red, and tried to say something, but Pippin and his big mouth beat him to it.

"Save me, Strider, Sam's trying to be my mum, despite the fact he's a guy!"

Merry chimed in, "Or at least we think so!"

Everyone laughed, and Sam stopped chasing Pippin. He looked sadly down at his feet. All he tried to do is help, and this is what he got from it. Laughs. Or at other times he got even more commands. And even sometimes he did things wrong, was told so, and as he believed, lost some of the precious trust of his master. Sometimes he wondered why he didn't just want to give up.

He wasn't allowed to brood long though. As he had been walking around the woods he saw something that completely stunned him into silence (he had been grumbling at himself).

There was a stream in the woods he had been walking through, and there stood Aragorn and Legolas.

It appeared the elf had just slipped away during the commotion of his being mocked, washed his hair, and it had already dried.

Legolas was standing by the pond, in just his undergarments and his tight-looking pants, and was throwing and flipping his hair all over the place. It stayed perfect though, and did not tangle, or look out of place.

For even more disturbance to the poor hobbit, Aragorn was sitting right in front of the elf and ogling him, all over it seemed (although Sam could only see the back of his head). Then, even more dementedness happened.

"Nice," Aragorn said, still ogling.

"See, Ellasar, if you'd just bathe yourself and wash your hair, you could look like this."

"Not as good as you…"

Sam ran off, but he didn't hear the next part.

"Aragorn, do not act like you fancy me."

"I don't."

"Right."

"I don't."

"If you say so."

"Exactly."

Legolas shook his head at Aragorn. /_Humans are so full of themselves and strange…/_ he thought. Aragorn just grinned back. Legolas found himself wishing to ask him where he got such a horrible fetish for elves, but thought better of it. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. Because Aragorn might be a gruff, hard guy, but he still told Legolas things as they were, and he had been a young man, or a silly boy with crushes, hadn't he? /_Yes,_ / Legolas thought /_I'm not up to hearing about his silly love endeavors._ / And with that, Legolas put his shirt on, and _tried_ to get away from the strange man.

Anywho, back with Samwise Gamgee, who knew none of this, and had run off to tell _someone_, _anyone_. Maybe he shouldn't share it as it wasn't his business and he had eavesdropped, but since when hadn't he done such things?

When he found the others, he found a sight he hadn't quite been imagining.

Gandalf was hitting whoever was dumb enough to come within staff range while singing some nonsense about Valentine's Day.

Oh, yes. It was Valentine's Day wasn't it. This thought made Sam's thoughts drift back to his dearly beloved Rosie Cotton, and thus forgot all about the … moment with the human and elf. His thinking got cut off by a young Pippin Took, who ran to hide behind him. Pippin was getting pretty tired of that dumb staff hitting his poor head. Possibly hitting and destroying what bit of brain he might've had…maybe.

"Sam, you can be my mum now! You're good to hide behind!"

"What?" Sam asked snapping out of his bow-in-Rosie's-hair-dancing image. He didn't get an answer from Pippin.

WHAP!

There went the ninny-hammer's head. Yep.

"YEOW!!!!!" he called as he swung dangerously to the side as if to fall.

Pippin mock-screamed and ran off to go hide behind a tree. Gandalf couldn't knock one of those out, could he?

Frodo and Merry were way ahead of Pippin, and were already hiding behind a sturdy oak that would crush them if it even attempted to swing around like Sam.

Merry spoke first, "Frodo. You know that I care about Gandalf and that I know how bad things would be if we didn't have him and all… Erm, but who in the curses gave him that damn stick?!"

"…I dunno, Merry. Whoever it was though, I severely doubt, figured that he would use it like this. … However he's using it. … This is not how I'm imagining it, noooooooo…"

Merry looked at him funny. He didn't want to know, he didn't want to know…

Now Pippin found them.

"…Hey, is he going to come after us here?"

"Hope not," the other two hobbits chorused to the youngest one.

"My head hurts."

"Mine would too, if I looked like you," Merry said, lamely.

"That hurt," Pippin said, annoyed.

"Oh, stop it you, two," Frodo said. "I'm sure it does hurt, poor thing…" Pippin smiled at him.

"Thank you, Frodo. See, Merry, he loves me!" Merry looked at the young hobbit, and laughed.

"Or so you think!"

"I want my mummy!"

"Oh, don't start that again," Merry whined.

"…Alright…I guess…"

"Oh, don't do the pause thing more either!"

"…Alright…"

Merry made a very frustrated sound, and ran from their hiding place. He was promptly whapped by the insane wizard with a big, dangerous, painful stick. He came back. There was a problem though. This time Gandalf had watched him go and hide. The hobbits cursed, and tried to run away, but Gandalf had them. He had them.

Then, he said some strange words in elvish, but one word was certain to those without the knowledge of that language. They heard the word Valentine.

"Frodo, what'd he say…?" Merry asked slowly.

"It sounded to me like he said that we would all become each others Valentine's, and be in love, but why would he-" Frodo didn't get to finish his sentence.

Merry had pinned Pippin to the ground, and it appeared they were snogging.

Hey, all! Oh my! I actually just kind of made a plot – with slash! It wasn't meant to have even a plot! Wow! (I don't really do much planning before I write; I just let the stories take me where they will. I love my muses…usually…lol) Oh well. It gives me more of a reason to finish it… :D

_Lord of the Rings_ plushies and candy of your choice if I get your review!

Three more reviews or I won't finish _Interesting Day _on here!

Thank you, people! Love much!

Entmoot


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